In 2 Samuel 13 we meet Tamar – a daughter of King David, who is raped by her half-brother, Amnon. Of all of the stories in scripture that feature rape and sexual assault, this is the only one where we hear the victim speak, and what she says is devastating. As she tries to stop Amnon from raping her she pleads with him and asks – ‘Where could I get rid of my disgrace?’ Or in the words of the ESV translation – ‘Where could I carry my shame?’
For those of us who have experienced sexual assault, her question will feel painfully familiar. Amongst all of the other terrible baggage that we are left with, one of the worst is this heavy burden of shame and disgrace.
We can often think of guilt and shame as the same thing, but they’re not. Guilt is about our behaviour, shame is about our person. Whilst we might feel guilty because of something we did, we often feel ashamed about who we are. Guilt says ‘I did this bad thing’, shame says ‘I am bad’. And significantly the two aren’t always tied together – I might feel shame because of guilt, but I can also feel shame because of someone else’s guilt, and that is particularly the case in issues of sexual abuse and assault.
There are all sorts of reasons why this is the case, but one of the main ones is bound up in the way that we have been taught to think about sex.
As Christians we have lots of good reasons for having a very high view of sex. The Bible teaches us that it is a good gift from God, and that when shared between a husband and wife in a loving, generous and God-honouring way, it points us to something profound about who God is.
However, some of the language that we use when speaking about sex, and in particular, that we use to describe female virginity, is profoundly unbiblical, and has had some really negative consequences, particularly for those of us who have experienced sexual violence or abuse.
In this way of thinking and speaking purity has become synonymous with virginity. It presents a view of humans as having a default state of purity that can then be lost or given away, or in the case of those of us who have experienced sexual abuse or assault, taken from us. Purity in this thinking is all about desperately trying to hold on to something that you have.
The problem of course is that this idea of a default state of purity that all humans possess and need to hold on to is entirely contrary to everything that scripture teaches us about who we are as humans, and how we are actually supposed to pursue purity.
Let’s look at Colossians 3 as one example of this.
As chapter 3 opens we enter into the middle of Paul’s train of thought. He’s already been speaking to the Christians in Colossae about the fact that before they knew Christ they were dead in their sin, their whole selves ruled by the flesh.
That is our actual default state as humans – not purity but sin and death. Paul reminds them of who they were and how they used to be – ‘put to death whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.’ (Colossians 3:5-7). Contrary to what we’re sometimes led to believe, we don’t start off pure and try to hold on to it, instead we were sinful and impure and yet in Christ have been rescued and given his purity, and through the power of the Holy Spirit are being made increasingly like him. Look at verse 9-10 as Paul gives the Colossians a list of behaviours to stop, ‘since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.’
Purity, in scripture is not something that we have and can lose, but something that we don’t have on our own, are given in Christ, and are called to pursue.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14)
Purity and holy living is not just about sex, and it’s not about grasping holding on to something that we might lose, it’s about earnestly pursuing a Jesus-shaped life of love.
Sex is powerful and can be incredibly damaging when it is misused, as we know all to well. But having been mistreated in this way doesn’t make us ‘damaged’ or ‘broken’.
As someone who has been mistreated in this way, you may feel great shame. However, that shame is not something that you deserve. It is something that has been done to you.
As I said earlier, guilt and shame are not the same thing. And, yet, just as you have given your guilt to Jesus, you can give your shame to him as well.
Jesus is one who understands what it is to be disgraced and shamed by something that was not his fault. He also knows firsthand what it is to be sexually assaulted. He was humiliated and beaten, stripped naked and held up to public shame. He took all guilt and shame on his shoulders: the guilt and shame that we deserve, and the guilt and shame that we don’t deserve. He took it on his shoulders, carried it to the cross, and it died with him. And while he rose from the dead, the guilt and shame stayed there.
We are liable to do terrible things with our shame, but thankfully we have a Saviour who is able to take that shame from us, and offer us real hope, justice, comfort and healing.
