Hearing of abuse causes different experiences, emotions, thoughts and desires in everyone. For some of us, our own experiences rise to the surface. For others, we feel the pain of the victims. We wonder ‘how can this be?’ We desire justice. But for some of us, it can also be a reminder of our contributions to others’ pain, hurt, and even our own inaction and silence.[1]
What is abuse?
To abuse is to hurt, harm, violate, take advantage, manipulate, oppress, deceive… I could go on. Abuse exists all over the world across all cultures and people groups. It can be between individuals and within families. It can even occur within organisations. It can be physical, sexual, emotional, financial and material. It exists in the secular but it can also be spiritual[2] and take place within religious communities and organisations. Even more specifically, it exists in Christian marriages, families, friendships, churches and organisations.
What is ‘spiritual abuse’?
Diane Langberg[3] who speaks and writes extensively into this and related areas says that two words that should not belong together are ‘spiritual’ and ‘abuse’. Spiritual means ‘things of the Spirit’. The Spirit of God makes us alive to God (Ephesians 2), guides in truth, convicts of sin and seeks to bring glory to the Son (John 16). A significant work of God’s Spirit is making Jesus’ followers more Christlike. He produces fruit such as love, gentleness, kindness and self control (Galatian 5).
What means and tools are used to perpetrate spiritual abuse?
Spiritual abuse is when various ‘spiritual’ means and tools such as faith, belief and ‘religious’ practice is used to abuse rather than build up into Christlikeness.
God’s Word: People may be commanded to do a wrong thing or allow a wrong thing to continue. We can speak scripture and doctrine in such a way that manipulates and twists the truth and excuses dark and sinful practices. It can also be used to pressure or make people obligated to do things against their will.
Position: In churches and Christian organisations people hold positions of authority for the good of those in the organisation. They are positions of trust. Of the church, Paul writes that offices such as teacher, pastor, elder, evangelist are so that God’s people are equipped to serve and help each other grow into the fullness of Christ (Ephesian 4). We would like to believe that holding such positions implies a certain standard of character. But that is not necessarily so.
Knowledge and skill: They can be used to demand compliance or belief in one’s view and account of things. This can manifest as a ‘my way or no way’ approach. Or they can be used to simply demean and put down others by virtue of possessing ‘greater knowledge’. Someone might display great gifting, be an ‘excellent’ speaker, charismatic and ‘know the Bible well’. And yet they can still lead others aggressively or manipulatively to get their way. Knowledge of the Bible and having great skill (or gift) does not equate to being a servant of Christ with the character of Christ. Such a person may do Christ’s work but are they doing it in Christ’s way?
God’s leaders are meant to build up and protect. A leader can be a well disguised narcissist, but their conduct eventually reveals what is in their hearts. Of leadership, Jesus positively said, ‘feed my sheep, tend my lamb ‘ (John 21v17). But He also warned us about wolves in sheep’s clothing and that they would be known by their fruits (Matt 7v15-16).
The Church or Christian organisation can be abusive
Spiritual abuse can be perpetrated by individuals. It can also be supported and encouraged in a system. A church is a system (a system literally means ‘stand together’). God’s people ‘stand together’ in Jesus name, making disciples who increasingly grow into the likeness of Jesus. But a church or Christian organisation can also be a place that allows or is blind to abuse being carried out. The mission and values of the church or organisation may say one thing, but in practice the church would have a different culture and way of working. A church can take (or avoid) decisions and actions in order to preserve the narcissist or the demanding leader, rather than protect and care for the people being served or led.
The dangers to watch out for
Preservation: people who serve the system rather than Christ. Their desire is to avoid any damage to the church, organisation or leader concerned. So things are covered up ‘for the sake of the glory of church’ – the system – rather than the glory of God himself. They defend their actions with phrases like ‘his ministry is such a blessing!’ or ‘her ministry will be destroyed’. In their desire to preserve and protect, those who dare to question and raise accusations face alienation, ridicule or are simply disbelieved. There is no safe way for someone to raise an alarm.
Inaction: We can all be ‘blind’ and in our disbelief think ‘Surely this can’t be true?’ In this case, it is perhaps easier or more comfortable to ignore what is happening. We might fear reputational damage to ourselves by association. We might fear falsely accusing the accused. We may want to see ‘the best’ in people. We also want to be forgiving people. But we know our own hearts and actions. And so when we automatically choose to believe the one who is in power, we give them more credibility than those who are vulnerable. And in this way, we become complicit in abuse.
The goal is to lead in love
By exposing the sin, there is hope. It is not the worst thing to lose reputation and be removed from a position or even to have a ministry ‘lost’. Surely the greater issue is sin itself. We do not love the person if we allow them to continue to sin. We demonstrate our love of Christ if we love what He loves.
The church is the body of Christ himself. We are to speak truth in love to each other. We are to be shaped by God’s Word and mature and grow into the fullness of Christ (Eph 4 v11-16). We are called to walk in the way of love, even when that means bringing darkness into light (Eph 5 v1-20). We are to be like Paul who said ‘Follow me as I follow the example of Christ’ (1 Cor 11 v1).
So we ask ourselves, and those leading[4]: ‘Are we leading in the ways Christ calls us to lead?’
‘Are we protecting and feeding the sheep?’ (Acts 20 v28-31)
‘Are we growing in knowledge, and understanding and wisdom such that we and others are walking worthy of the Lord?’ (Col 1 v9-10)
Are our words and our leaders’ words praising God and cursing people (the opposite of blessing people) made in God’s image?’ (James 3 v9-10)
13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.
– James 3
[1] If by reading this article there are things that you want to seek help with and address, there are places to go to that offer help and counsel. Please contact us here.
[2] The subject of ‘spiritual abuse’ sits within a wider area of abuse, trauma, toxic leadership, toxic systems and such like. A short article like this can only begin to open a door of understanding and hopefully sow a seed of interest in being informed and equipped. Along with the rest of society, many Christians (individuals, families, churches and Christian organisations) are affected by this. Some are high profile while many are not. So we seek to not only understand these issues and their significance, but to learn how to help wisely and lovingly.
[3] Diane Langberg’s book “Redeeming power. Understanding authority and abuse in the church” has helped shape this article and her book develops and extends these ideas in greater detail.
[4] By ‘leaders’ I mean pastors, elders, preacher/teachers, evangelists, and also ministry leaders such as youth leaders, Children/Sunday school leaders, trustees, parents, managers, supervisors, employers and such like who all have some position of authority and responsibility over other(s) in churches & Christian organisations.