A few more tips to help you be a more supportive ally to survivors of abuse 

So you are trying to support a survivor of abuse who has opened up to you and you start to feel like things are getting even more difficult. What do you do next? 

Firstly, you need to note that certain things might trigger a hurtful event for the survivor. So whenever you note that they are uncomfortable, do not push. Instead allow them to take a break or end that particular conversation. 

The truth is these are uncomfortable conversations because for many the abusers live with them in the same house or neighborhood, while for some the abusers hold power and influence in Church or may even be Church leaders themselves. 

Further you have to note that as the power dynamics of rape are often lopsided, some abusers might be the ones sponsoring their education or livelihood and so the survivor is afraid to lose something that matters to them most. It will help for you to be well informed on such issues so that you are empathetic and be sure to refer them to the right people who can help. 

It is also worth noting that whilst the survivor coming forward is the only way to bring the perpetrators to book, it is important to be aware of these dynamics and not push a survivor to get authorities involved if they do not want to. Ignoring their wishes and diminishing their agency destroys whatever little trust they may have in you and also dehumanises them.

So listen well, support but respect the survivor’s wishes. It is also important to acknowledge your own limits and be able to get a survivor the appropriate help when they need it with their permission. This may be counselling or access to a shelter if they have no safe place to go. But in all this, never underestimate the power of just being there, being present and caring. 

One thing for sure is that when a survivor confides in you they want someone to believe them.

What they do not want is someone to judge them and pass off their story as a lie. It takes plenty to sit and recall a horrible event only to be judged at the end of it. Survivors need to know that they are not alone and you will walk with them through their pain. They need a sense of hope and reassurance. 

Many have lost touch with reality and think they are not good enough, so remind them they have people who love them and that they are precious and made in God’s image. He deeply cares about their pain and suffering and offers comfort. 

Finally, acknowledge your own pain and sorrow and seek help. At times the story a survivor tells you might be too heavy for you to handle or might even trigger a past hurt of your own and that is okay. It is ok to be honest and acknowledge that you may not be the best person to walk with them on their journey. It is also okay to take care of your own mental health and seek help from someone else. 

Abuse is a very painful topic and it does not make you a bad friend or lacklustre Christian to be deeply impacted by it. Seek help and support for yourself in practical ways and most importantly trust the God who has suffered with your own suffering and pain.