A few tips to help you be a more supportive ally to survivors of abuse

It is never easy to talk about any form of abuse, and rape is particularly difficult to confide in anyone about – even friends and family.

It cannot be overemphasised how important it is to create a safe space for one who chooses to speak to you about their abuse. While no one can really tell you the exact words to say to a survivor of abuse, there are a few do’s and don’ts that can be helpful in navigating these complex conversations. 

Firstly, it is important to remember that it is okay for you to just listen at times. It is likely that a conversation of this sort will not flow smoothly and will be filled with many emotional moments and pauses.

Your focus should be on creating an open space with a properly laid out exit to meet the survivor and allowing them to sit in any position they are comfortable in. Even more importantly, let them talk as you listen without interruption. 

When they are done talking or ask you to weigh in at some point, be sure to make them understand that rape or any sexual assault is never the fault of the survivor. Regardless of where, how or when it happened, the perpetrator is the one who was wrong. 

Remember not to push someone to talk about their abuse all in one sitting and allow them to share as much as they want to. It may even take multiple sittings to get the full story.

And when they do share, how you respond is very important. 

As much as you might want to say things like “why did you go to his place alone?”, “you should not be moving that late at night” or “you should not have been wearing those clothes,” please avoid making these kinds of “if only” and “why” statements. 

These and many other similar statements can cause further hurt, guilt and shame and simply cause a survivor to close up. Such statements are to be avoided at all costs.